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Close relationships are full of paradoxes and double standards. For example, people want their partners to be exciting and fun, but predictable at the same time. Along the same line, people want to share their feelings with a partner, while also maintaining some sense of privacy.
When it comes to the use of deception in a romantic relationship, paradoxes abound. The latest research on deception in romantic relationships highlights some of the paradoxes that exist.
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Photo Courtesy Brian @Stockvault
Want a refresher course on deception? Below Humintell sums up some of what science has found on lying, liars and microexpressions.
For a brief overview on some Deception and Microexpression Misconceptions read Humintell’s Misconception blogs Part 1 and Part 2 and our Eye Contact Myth blog.
Live Science recently pointed out that if accurate lie-detecting methods can be developed it would have a huge impact on a variety of settings and industries. As mentioned in many previous blogs, the average person is no better than chance at spotting lies despite what they may think.
Charles Bond and Bella DePaulo’s study, in 2006, found that untrained observers are correct only 54 percent of the time when trying to distinguish between true and false statements.
A 2008 study led by Aldert Vrij, a professor of applied social psychology at the University of Portsmouth in the United Kingdom, found similar results with regards to accuracy rates in distinguishing deception. (to read more studies on lying from Vrij click here).
Other research has noted that even though untrained individuals are able to spot deception only about 50% of the time, we tend to tell lies (small or large) in bout 25% of our social interactions.
Charles Honts, a professor of psychology at Boise State University in Idaho, points out that across societies, there are false beliefs that certain behavioral clues can indicate someone is lying. For instance, many people think liars shy away from making eye contact, blink a lot or fidget as they speak.
“Lying is an emotionally exhausting and cognitively demanding task,” notes Dr. David Matsumoto, a psychologist at San Francisco State University and Humintell’s director, in an Inside Science article, “When lies are more complicated it is more difficult to lie.”
Recent studies on lying and deception detection have taken a different routes to understanding the art of lying. Rather than simply observing someone’s behavior, which can introduce all kinds of biases, psychologists and researchers are looking at whether certain interview methods can prompt liars to respond in ways that reveal their deception.
In a similar article Countrytimes.com suggests a new technique in finding lies quickly in the important time just after an incident such as a bombing, or shooting.
In Australia last night 60 Minutes ran a story on Jenna Miscavige Hill’s titled Inside Scientology. I must admit that I have not explored the church or their views to any great extent so this post is in no way an authoritative review of the church or its beliefs. But the one thing that did strike me was Jenna and her husband’s explanation of the One Billion Year Contract members of the Sea-Org (a religious order which the churches’ most senior members all belong to) were asked to sign. According to the insiders they signed the contract, Jenna when she was a young girl and Dallas when he was 18.
While the church contends that the contract is merely symbolic and that the signatories are free to leave the church at anytime, the explanation of the use of the contract by the church clearly demonstrated someone had a very practical understanding of the Principle of Consistency.
In the Principles of Persuasion Workshop we teach the Principle of Consistency which is where people feel personal and interpersonal pressures to remain consistent with the commitments they have made. In this case a commitment to a one billion year contract.
Dallas recounted how he was verbally abused and “interrogated” until he signed the contract some weeks later. While there was not too much more from him on the binding nature of the commitment this did demonstrate the importance someone placed on having him sign the contract and commit to the churches values. Jenna’s revelations were more startling however.
Jenna Miscavige Hill stated that at the age of 8 she signed the contract and that she really didn’t think anything of it, mainly because she didn’t think she had a choice in not signing it. So even though her commitment was not entirely voluntary it was certainly binding and it proves how powerful the making of commitments are, even for children. The cyclic reference to the commitment she had made as she got older demonstrated that whomever was making these references understood the importance of the earlier commitment she made a younger child. It also highlighted the importance that was placed on remaining consistent with that commitment, especially for her as a future leader of the church, a label that she appeared to wear from an early age. While there are other Principles at play, Consensus because everyone in the Sea-Org had signed the contract so why shouldn’t she. The implication of Scarcity, i.e. if you don’t sign it, the consequences of that action and indeed even if you leave after signing it you need to repay costs invested in your training and you may not participate in events until this debt has been repaid. The big takeaway for me was Consistency.Yes the commitment was grand – one billion years. But the commitment made by a small girl, remained with her well into her adult life.While I cannot attest to the validity of the story told, it is fascinating to listen to it play out and it made me reflect on my own life and where I have heard it before.
As a schoolboy vowing never to mention what a mate did with his slingshot then being asked by a teacher if I would tell truth before being asked the question.
In high school I asked a girl if she wanted to “go out with me” and waiting with teenage desperation for the “yes“.
As a young police recruit I made a commitment the day I swore the Oath of Service to uphold the Office of Constable and served in line with that commitment for 13 years.
In a more sinister example I spoke to children who after being abused they were made to promise that they would not to tell anyone what happened or they and their loved ones would be hurt and I saw the anguish this commitment caused them (for all sorts of reasons).
I worked with police negotiators who when speaking with a hostage taker were careful not to make commitments but certainly set about obtaining them in a hope to achieving a safe and successful resolution to the incident.
I interviewed suspects and asked them to provide a version of events, so if they recounted it later or tried to tell me another version once I presented the evidence I could circle back around and raise the original commitment to a story.
In court the tables were often turned and it was I who was committing to a version and the defence counsel who were asking the questions.
When I got married and the vows I made to my wife.
When I get on a plane I commit to not carrying dangerous goods.
When I submit my tax return I make a declaration saying I commit that everything I have said is the truth.
When I walk down the street and someone in a charity t-shirt asks “Are you having a good day?” and if I reply “Yes” and they snipe back with “Well can I tell you about someone who is not having a good day” before they lead in and tell me about those in need.
When my kids ask me for something and if I fail to deliver at the specified time in the specified manner I get met with “But Dad you said….!”
Commitments – they are everywhere!
So the question for you is how are you using Commitments in your life? What are you committing to? How is that being used to keep you or others behaving consistently.Because we don’t have positive names for those who don’t do what they say – be careful of what and who you make the commitment to.
Tell me about some of the commitments you have made and what you did to live up to them.
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