No, this isn’t a religious sermon, but it is an important message for anyone in a committed relationship.

In previous blogs, we have delved into several factors that make marriages fail, succeed, and flourish. Building off that work, it is important to examine some of the other major challenges that face married couples. While this focuses on marriages, as always, these principles can apply to all sorts of interpersonal relationships.

Dr. John Gottman, who has spent years studying relationships, warns of the “Four Horsemen,” that can consistently spell doom for marriage. While we discussed one, contempt, in a previous article, he describes the remaining horsemen as criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism, which we touched on only briefly, constitutes attacks on your partner’s character, often involving ad hominem attacks. Importantly, Dr. Gottman distinguishes between “criticism” and what he describes as simple critiques or complaints.

Essentially, a criticism involves telling your partner that there is something wrong with them, while critiques and complaints presents concerns over specific behaviors or, at their best, offer positive requests for certain behaviors. For example, contrast this criticism: “How can you leave dirty clothes everywhere? Why do you have to be so messy?” with the complaint “Could you try to pick up your dirty clothes?”

The former example involved actually attacking one’s partner, while the latter was framed in the context of an active request. The critical difference, then, between criticism and complaints rests in fostering an acceptance of each other’s needs and in preventing an atmosphere of distrust or conflict. It is in those toxic, criticism-filled, atmospheres that the other Horsemen, such as defensiveness and stonewalling thrive.

Defensiveness is probably all too familiar to each of us. This horseman arises when we face perceived criticism and consider these attacks to be unfair or unjust. Then the defensive partner will attempt to retaliate by lashing out in response, turning the situation around on their significant other.

Building on the example discussed earlier, this could result in the retort that “You are just as messy! Why don’t you clean up more, if it bothers you so much?” Often, this is intended to mitigate the criticism and resolve the situation, but instead it usually fails to end the conflict, perpetuating tension and continuing to undermine trust in the relationship.

Similarly, the final horseman, stonewalling, is similar in some ways to defensiveness, except that it involves a complete withdrawal from the interaction. The stonewalling partner will respond to a criticism, or even valid complaint, by simply shutting down and refusing to respond or address the issue. This can involve leaving the room or completely ignoring your partner.

So, we’ve outlined these apocalyptic relationship habits, but what is there to do about them? The first step, of course, is properly recognizing their signs, but Dr. Gottman offers further advice on managing them properly. He emphasizes the notion of “management” over “resolution,” because these conflicts will inevitably occur, but it is important to better handle them when they do arise.

We’ve already discussed how criticism can be converted into valid complaints, but what about the other two? Rather than becoming defensiveness, we have to work to take responsibility for a given problem. Instead of shifting blame in the dirty clothes example, the partner ought to respond positively and help clean up the house. This needn’t involve taking complete blame, but requires at least acknowledging a sense of shared responsibility.

Finally, sometimes distance from a stressful situation may be necessary, which is the impulse that drives stonewalling. Instead of withdrawal, however, it may be important to agree on taking some time apart to engage in a soothing activity. Just fifteen minutes of time alone can allow couples to revisit issues with compassion instead of anger and frustration.

While these horseman are likely to be constant challenges for any couple, proper management can go a long way towards preserving healthy and happy relationships.

For more information on Dr. Gottman’s relationship advice, see our past blogs here and here.

We’ve all met that absolutely brilliant friend who still cannot read emotion any better than we can read Kant. This is a powerful example of the notion of emotional intelligence, which is often quite different from more traditional conceptions of intelligence.

Instead, emotional intelligence seeks to capture one’s intuitive grasp of other people’s emotional states and their ability to act on this insight.

Dr. John Gottman, who runs The Gottman Institute with his wife Julie, has explored how crucial emotional intelligence can be promoting healthy relationships, such as marriages. Based on his research, he emphasizes the need for couples to be in tune with the sometimes implicit emotional needs of their partners.

In fact, according to a 1998 study, successful marriages often depend on the husband and wife allowing each other to exert influence and control over their actions and behavior. While this is important for both sexes to keep in mind, he also found that men have more trouble accepting influence, seeing this as a loss of power.

While women already tend to allow their husband to influence their behavior, the frequent refusal of men to do so can contribute to tension in the relationship. This is certainly not intended to attack or criticize men, but instead opens the door to an exploration of how both genders are taught to interact from a young age.

In his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman explores the different manners in which boys and girls are socialized as children. Boys’ games, he explains, are focused on winning, rather than on the emotions of those involved. It is generally accepted that some participants will lose or be hurt, and they are expected to handle that pain on their own.

Girls, on the other hand, are taught to emphasize feelings. Instead of dedicating play time to winning, girls will often focus on building relationships with their friends. This provides important training for future romantic relationships by developing an emotional sensitivity and an awareness of social nuances.

Because of the deep developmental roots at play, The Gottman Institute also promotes a course dedicated to helping parents cultivate the emotional intelligence of their children, both male and female.

This leads to the conclusion that husbands (and boyfriends) ought to avoid rejecting their partner’s influence. This can take the form of working to understand the other’s point of view or sometimes simply just doing what they ask without argument.

Dr. Gottman explores some practical applications of this principle by looking at everyday interactions between partners.  For example, this can involve looking beyond the tone or inflection of a critical comment and looking at such comments as “bids for connection” that help promote intimacy through commonplace actions like sharing chores.

In addition, he focuses on cultivating a deep appreciation for the other person’s perspective, accepting their inadequacies, and understanding their hopes or desires. This can be a difficult process, but helps further an understanding of how to recognize “bids for connection” and how to accept the other person’s influence.

For more information on Dr. Gottman and emotional intelligence, check out our past blogs here and here.

Moebius Syndrome, a rare form of facial paralysis, makes social interaction particularly difficult.  Because this condition prevents people from displaying any form of facial expression, those dealing with it are often seen as unhappy or downright unfriendly.

This condition makes it difficult for those with Moebius Syndrome to relate interpersonally, but that does not mean it is impossible. Instead, many people turn to other forms of self-expression, and it is important for us to remember that there are a myriad of ways to express ourselves: through laughter, humor, dress, or hair color.

This is the very reason why Moebius Syndrome Awareness Day was established. This day, January 24, is intended to promote education and understanding of the condition.

Research conducted by Dr. Kathleen Bogart at Oregon State University’s Disability and Social Interaction Lab has shown that by promoting education about this condition, we can help create a more positive impression of those who live with facial paralysis.

Because Moebius Syndrome often occurs alongside autism, making interpersonal connection even harder, this sort of awareness is crucial to promoting inclusion for all sorts of people who struggle to communicate.

If you have Moebius Syndrome, or know anybody that does, consider sending in an image to the Moebius Syndrome Foundation’s Facebook page. Using this template, the Foundation seeks to display images of people with Moebius Syndrome alongside descriptions of how they express themselves in lieu of facial expression.

Many of those featured turn to forms of art, such as music, photography, or writing, in an effort to better communicate who they are. Anybody who is passionate about these art forms understands that art can channel a lot of emotion and individualism. Similarly, many compensate in interpersonal interactions by cultivating an expressive laugh or a particularly warm handshake.

Even if you do not experience Moebius Syndrome, there is plenty that you can do on behalf of those who do.

A good place to start is by sharing support for Moebius Syndrome Awareness by posting flyers on public billboards or through social media, using the hashtag #moebiusawareness. Similarly, the official color of Moebius Syndrome Awareness day is purple, so you might also consider wearing purple on January 24, in solidarity with the event.

These forms of support, while they promote education and awareness, also have a special purpose for those who deal with Moebius Syndrome themselves. Because the condition is poorly understood and potentially isolating, demonstrating solidarity shows those who deal with Moebius Syndrome that they are not alone.

For more information on Moebius Syndrome, see our past blogs here and here.