Social Engineering Blogs

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3 small tweaks to look and feel more confident

Don’t break eye contact  

No, I don’t mean never break eye contact… That would make you look like a lunatic. This tip only applies to when you are doing the talking. Studies show that the Visual Dominance Ratio (VDR) is a reliable indication of who is more dominant in an interaction. So what in the heck is the VDR anyway?? The VDR is the time you spend looking at someone while speaking/ time looking while you are listening. a high VDR means you are in charge. A VDR of 1.00 means that the power is balanced. A VDR of less than 1.00 means that you are the less dominant person in the conversation. So, if you want to feel and be percieved as higher status, always look at who you are talking to, and don’t be afraid to look away occasionally while they are speaking.

Speak 20% slower

Most of us are over caffeinated and in a hurry. It is natural that in a fast paced world we all tend to walk, talk and work faster than ever before. 

But did you know that speaking quickly doesn’t make you appear smarter and more driven? It has the effect of making you seem hurried, disorganized, and even un-confident (people with low confidence often speak quickly to avoid being interrupted)

Barak Obama in his 2015 state of the union address speaks at between 100 and 130 words per minute. 

If you want to learn to speak more slowly and powerfully here is a good exercise, find a paperback, count off 120 words, and by speaking slowly and pausing often make those 100 words last a whole minute. Do this again and again until you have found a way of speaking slowly which feels natural to you.

Keep your hands visible (and calm)

People feel at eases when they can see your hands. It seems that as humans evolved, it became a good idea to check a persons hands for weapons as we met them. 

But more than just making sure we set the other persons mind at ease, using your hands well is important because hands which are making low confidence gestures are more off putting than hands which are making high confidence gestures. 

Here is your action tip to make your hands convey confidence when you start a conversation, set your hands in a steeple and make sure to come back to that as your default listening position.

Until next time…

How to Influence People

A couple of weeks ago I shared a practical example of a retailer and their signage in an effort to provide you with a refined approached on how to influence people.  Many of you asked for more practical examples, so this week I thought I would share another photo and an opportunity to discuss how to influence people.

Once you have learned the science of influence you become hyper-vigilant to it; i.e. you see it everywhere.  Just like when you decide to buy a new car.  Up until the point you decide to buy the new car you haven’t really seen it anywhere.  But once you make the decision on the make, model, colour, etc, you see it everywhere!  The car was always there you were just too busy to notice it.  So once you have the car in the forefront of your mind – you are now hyper-vigilant to its presence.  Just like Dr Cialdini’s Principles of Persuasion.  Once you know about them you become hyper-vigilant to their presence.

So by way of example, last week I was delivering a corporate workshop in Brisbane and I walked past the below signage on the front of one of the big four banks in Australia.

What elements of persuasion have they used in the signage?
How to influence people

This sign is a simple example of how you influence people!

What do you see?

There are multiple elements so I look forward to your input.

I have given my answers below.  Do you agree?

Dealing with Fear

Dealing with Fear

Have you ever met someone you can honestly say was experiencing fear?  In dealing with the concept of fear lets step away from the overused acronym, FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.  Instead lets look to the science of emotion and understand that fear is triggered by the threat of physical or psychological harm.  Research shows us that the expression of fear communicates that we want to reduce the threat; real or perceived.

It is worth noting that fear is one of the most commonly experienced emotions in the workplaces of today.  Whether someone is fearful of missing a deadline, getting in trouble for breaking the printer or losing their job, there are multiple expressions of fear in every workplace, every day.

So what does this have to do with the Science of Persuasion?

If someone is fearful, if they are feeling under threat, this is an opportunity for you to influence them.  To change their behaviour or the way they consider a particular person, issue or event.  If you do not recognise and deal with the emotion of fear appropriately it can potentially be dangerous as the person reacts against the situation, engaging the fight or flight response to avoid or reduce the perceived harm.

Therefore it is important we possess the ability to detect and identify fear.  If left untreated the person could easily react against you, as a result of the fear, and shutdown any suggestions you may make.

As sleuths of influence therefore we want to recognise that fear is present and that we have an opportunity to influence others as a result.

Firstly, we know that people are motivated to take action when an opportunity is rare or dwindling in availability; better known as the Principle of Scarcity.  Unfortunately however, in communicating what people stand to lose they can sometimes become fearful because of the gravity of the loss.  Therefore if you are communicating messages that could create fear through highlighting what people stand to lose, ensure that you always provide clear steps of how to remedy the situation, i.e. provide them with the clear and active steps of how to reduce the threat and in turn reduce the fight/flight response.

Secondly we have another tool at our disposal and it is through the second of the persuasion bookends – Reciprocity.  The Principle of Reciprocity says that people feel obliged to give back to those who have given to them first.  However we also know that by going first and investing in others we open up a new relationship where one may not have existed previously; we can repair a relationship that is less than optimal; or we can use it just to maintain the relationship at a level we would like.

By recognising that someone feels under threat and providing them the gift of your time to discuss the problem; your experience to help them deal with it; understanding due to the nature of the situation; or even resources to eliminate the threat; by investing in others you assist them in reducing the threat and thereby help them deal with their fear.

In some negotiation programs it is taught that when you detect fear this is an opportunity to hammer home your advantage and seize whatever you can.  However I would suggest that instead of backing the other person into a corner, consider the shared goals you have and rather than hammer home an advantage, instead provide a concession, offer the opposing party an opportunity to save face or get something they need.  This will pay greater dividends in the overall relationship moving forward rather than simply winning this deal.  We have all heard of

Win the battle but lose the war!

One of the basic drivers of humanity is, we are wired to give, to receive and to repay.  Therefore if we help someone deal with their fear it is likely they will invest in us at a time we need assistance.  If we take this opportunity to make their life worse, beware – “like begets like”.  If you nail someone to the wall today or make them feel bad, you can guarantee that when given the opportunity to assist you or return in kind, you may just find yourself on the receiving end.

As a sleuth of influence, you have an opportunity to invest in others, create strong relationships and allow others to flourish.  By helping others in successfully dealing with fear you will create a strong and willing ally, one that will be by your side when you are the one seeking to reduce the threat of physical or psychological harm.

The choice is yours.

Have you ever experienced fear?  How did you deal with it?  Could you have done with the gift of someone’s time or understanding?  Let me know your thoughts….