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This holiday season, remember that a common misconception is that the beneficiaries of a gift are the happier party after they receive a gift. However, this is not true. Psychologist have discovered that actually, the giver is happier long term as a result of his or her generosity.
For more on why giving makes you feel good, take a look at this past post.
What do you say when you receive a gift you are not too fond of?
In light of this holiday season, the University of Hertfordshire has conducted a study on gift giving. The focus of this study was determining whether or not gift givers could tell whether or not a recipient liked a present just by looking at their facial expressions and nonverbal behavior.
Dr. Karen Pine, a Professor of Developmental Psychology, led the study of 680 men and women in the process of giving and receiving gifts.
Three quarters of the participants were able to correctly identify whether or not a recipient of one of their gifts truly liked it. According to Dr. Pine, “People always try and say the right things, there’s a lot of social pressure to say the right things and to give the impression that we do like a present and our words tend to be quite positive, but the real feelings tend to leak out in our non-verbal behaviour.”
Eye contact, or lack thereof, is one easily spotted sign that the recipient did not like their present. They try to avoid eye contact with the giver in case the expression on their face gives away their true feelings. The expression on a displeased recipient’s face is often a ‘social smile,’ which involves only the mouth muscles. When someone is truly happy about something, they smile with both their eyes and their mouth; what is often called a Duchenne smile.
In terms of the gift itself, the recipient tends to rewrap it and put it out of sight fairly quickly if they do not like it. Contrastingly, if someone really likes a gift, they hold it up like a trophy, passing it around and showing it off. They also tend to hold on to the present for a little longer. If it’s a scarf that they really like, for example, the recipient may stroke it for awhile, or even put it on.
However, a negative nonverbal response is not necessarily indicative of someone being unappreciative of a gift. Perhaps what they have received isn’t quite what they were hoping for, but they could still be appreciative of the gesture. Isn’t that what is important?
Dr. Pine told BBC News that she believes we need “to go back to the old values about what a gift is really for; it is a token of appreciation or affection for a person.” However, by conducting this study, she is putting emphasis on reactions towards the gifted items themselves, rather than the meaning behind them.
Still, our reactions to gifted items can make a huge difference for our stress levels and enjoyment of the holiday season.
As we have reported on in past blogs, gift consumption is not necessarily the path to a happy holiday season. Instead, people tend to report greater satisfaction by engaging in family-based or spiritual traditions.
That is not to say that gifts have no role in these celebrations. In fact, many families bond over genuine and heartfelt gift giving, while many religious traditions see the exchange of gifts as integral to the celebration.
Instead, it has more to do with the thought we put into the gift. What do you think? Are you able to tell when a gift you have given is not well received?
If you are still struggling at really understanding people’s reaction, that might be a good reason to learn more about reading people. The good news is that reading people you are close to tends to be the easiest!
This week I have been in the USA with Dr Cialdini and the INFLUENCE AT WORK TEAM. It has really provided me with a lot of focus and further context around the fields of Influence and Persuasion. One insight I gained is associated with the Principle of Reciprocity and Giving.
I have never considered this before but Reciprocity is really the principle of life. It allows people to build relationships, for businesses to thrive, and for communities to prosper.
We also know that Reciprocity is triggered by the giving of gifts. But the question is…
“Are all gifts the same?”
Take the following example,
Peter works at a family owned business and really enjoys the extra perks the business provides. Lunch is available daily as is a fully stocked snack and beverage refrigerator which can be accessed at any time.
If Peter perceives that the extra perks are only provided so he doesn’t leave his desk, meaning he can work longer hours and is continually reminded what the business does for him – this is a bribe.
If the perks are looked upon as something that has always been provided and is a right of everyone who works at the business – this is an entitlement.
If the perks are only topped up at the end of each month if the team hits their numbers – this is a reward.
If the perks are given with no expectation of return and are provided because the office recognises it is not that close to convenience or grocery stores – this is a gift.
Therefore the nature to which something triggers Reciprocity is linked to the intent with which it is given but also the perception of the intent by the recipient.
If something is seen as a gift this is likely to trigger the obligation and in the above case Peter is more likely to work harder and cut the business some slack if there is a lack of support for things he wants done because what they have done for him.
If the action is seen as a reward, Peter may work harder to keep his benefits, but if he knows that due to the activities of others he won’t get the reward this month, will he stop trying?
If the perks are given by way of bribe this is problematic because the business is simply buying loyalty and compliance and in harder financial times this may be harder to maintain hence performance may become very irregular. However the bribe may have deeper implications. If Peter perceives that the perks are a bribe and this is an appropriate tactic to get things done within the business, recent research suggests this may impact at a deeper level, that of the acceptance of unethical culture within the business. Therefore Peter may bribe his suppliers, other staff, etc. because “that’s how it is done around here”. So be very careful about how your efforts are perceived.
Finally if you want to see if Peter sees the perks as an entitlement – just take it away and see what happens. If Peter and his colleagues get angry they are seeing the perks as something they are “entitled to’ and therefore will not reciprocate because it is a right of working at the business.
Therefore when giving to staff or others, be clear about your intent for giving. If you have free water in a waiting area don’t put the refrigerator in clear view where people can just help themselves. Have the water behind the counter and as people come into the business, make reference to it being a warm day outside and offer them a cool drink. This is a gift. You went first and it is customised to the customer based on environmental conditions. If the water is in the waiting area it may be seen as an entitlement or a right in doing business with you.
Show your work. Let people know you are thinking about them and are providing the gift as a result of their situation. Although do not labour the point and make them feel guilty for receiving it. Give with no expectation of return and watch your relationship build as a result.
In case above, Peter realises the family business provides the lunch, snacks and beverages for the workers because times are tough and getting time to make a healthy lunch while juggling family, commute times, etc. was hard. Most employees were spending money on fast food but they were losing time out of their lunch break because they had to travel to get something. So when they got back they were often stressed and their diet was not helping them. To mix it up the business changes the menu regularly and have a theme for each month telling staff they want to help them have a healthy and happy time at work.
To show their clear intent the sign in the meal room says “That’s what family do for one and other – here’s to another great day”.
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