Social Engineering Blogs

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Influencing Difficult People

Influencing Difficult People How many of you have to influence difficult people?  Whether it is daily, weekly or every now and again, just the thought of that person has probably seen your nose immediately wrinkle with some level of disgust.

Difficult people are not a problem if we don’t have to interact with them on a personal level such as passing them on the street, sitting in the same train carriage or even sharing an elevator with them.  If we see them being difficult with others we can just dismiss them and move on with our lives.

But, and there is a but, when we have to interact with them, work with them, and more importantly when we have to influence them, difficult people can become major drain on your energy and your physical and psychological resources.

Difficult people tend to relish the interaction, they have boundless energy and always put up a good fight.  If only you could harness their energy for good rather than evil.

In the field of influence we know that it is what you do first that matters most.

If you continue to look upon them as difficult people that is exactly what they will remain.  For some direction here we can look to Irish philosopher and statesman Edmund Burke (1729–1797) who said,

 “He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill.”

So you can either look upon them as a great adversary, someone who is honing your influencing skills and making you better for the interaction or if this is a bridge too far I’ll bring you back to the point above, use their skills for good rather than evil.

For example, those of you who have ridden a horse before will know that it is easier to ride the horse in the direction it is going rather than try and tear its head off in getting it to change direction, especially a direction it doesn’t want to go in.

So embrace your problem child.  Give them a role to review the work of others, to provide quality assurance, just as the Catholic church used the Devil’s Advocate to argue against the canonization of a proposed saint.  Give the problem employee the role of taking a skeptical view, to look for holes in the evidence and argue for correctness, i.e. use their skills for good rather than evil.

Even if you are opposing people who you can’t give this role to, think of their hard questions, lack of willingness to budge from a predetermined position and general difficult nature as a positive.  They are making your case better and more robust by pointing out the potential weaknesses.  Even if the points they make are not weaknesses take solace in the fact that you can adequately deal with that objection and know that your case is becoming even more bulletproof.

By looking upon them as an ally rather than an adversary you will then be able to cooperate with them, praise them for their tough questions and identify the shared goals you have – all the basis for Liking.  In doing so you will change the nature of the relationship, not by heavy handed tactics or actions that lead to tantrums and tears – instead you create a place for a relationship to build when none existed before.

Change the way you think about influencing difficult people and at the very least they will make you smile!

How to Influence People

A couple of weeks ago I shared a practical example of a retailer and their signage in an effort to provide you with a refined approached on how to influence people.  Many of you asked for more practical examples, so this week I thought I would share another photo and an opportunity to discuss how to influence people.

Once you have learned the science of influence you become hyper-vigilant to it; i.e. you see it everywhere.  Just like when you decide to buy a new car.  Up until the point you decide to buy the new car you haven’t really seen it anywhere.  But once you make the decision on the make, model, colour, etc, you see it everywhere!  The car was always there you were just too busy to notice it.  So once you have the car in the forefront of your mind – you are now hyper-vigilant to its presence.  Just like Dr Cialdini’s Principles of Persuasion.  Once you know about them you become hyper-vigilant to their presence.

So by way of example, last week I was delivering a corporate workshop in Brisbane and I walked past the below signage on the front of one of the big four banks in Australia.

What elements of persuasion have they used in the signage?
How to influence people

This sign is a simple example of how you influence people!

What do you see?

There are multiple elements so I look forward to your input.

I have given my answers below.  Do you agree?

Dealing with Fear

Dealing with Fear

Have you ever met someone you can honestly say was experiencing fear?  In dealing with the concept of fear lets step away from the overused acronym, FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.  Instead lets look to the science of emotion and understand that fear is triggered by the threat of physical or psychological harm.  Research shows us that the expression of fear communicates that we want to reduce the threat; real or perceived.

It is worth noting that fear is one of the most commonly experienced emotions in the workplaces of today.  Whether someone is fearful of missing a deadline, getting in trouble for breaking the printer or losing their job, there are multiple expressions of fear in every workplace, every day.

So what does this have to do with the Science of Persuasion?

If someone is fearful, if they are feeling under threat, this is an opportunity for you to influence them.  To change their behaviour or the way they consider a particular person, issue or event.  If you do not recognise and deal with the emotion of fear appropriately it can potentially be dangerous as the person reacts against the situation, engaging the fight or flight response to avoid or reduce the perceived harm.

Therefore it is important we possess the ability to detect and identify fear.  If left untreated the person could easily react against you, as a result of the fear, and shutdown any suggestions you may make.

As sleuths of influence therefore we want to recognise that fear is present and that we have an opportunity to influence others as a result.

Firstly, we know that people are motivated to take action when an opportunity is rare or dwindling in availability; better known as the Principle of Scarcity.  Unfortunately however, in communicating what people stand to lose they can sometimes become fearful because of the gravity of the loss.  Therefore if you are communicating messages that could create fear through highlighting what people stand to lose, ensure that you always provide clear steps of how to remedy the situation, i.e. provide them with the clear and active steps of how to reduce the threat and in turn reduce the fight/flight response.

Secondly we have another tool at our disposal and it is through the second of the persuasion bookends – Reciprocity.  The Principle of Reciprocity says that people feel obliged to give back to those who have given to them first.  However we also know that by going first and investing in others we open up a new relationship where one may not have existed previously; we can repair a relationship that is less than optimal; or we can use it just to maintain the relationship at a level we would like.

By recognising that someone feels under threat and providing them the gift of your time to discuss the problem; your experience to help them deal with it; understanding due to the nature of the situation; or even resources to eliminate the threat; by investing in others you assist them in reducing the threat and thereby help them deal with their fear.

In some negotiation programs it is taught that when you detect fear this is an opportunity to hammer home your advantage and seize whatever you can.  However I would suggest that instead of backing the other person into a corner, consider the shared goals you have and rather than hammer home an advantage, instead provide a concession, offer the opposing party an opportunity to save face or get something they need.  This will pay greater dividends in the overall relationship moving forward rather than simply winning this deal.  We have all heard of

Win the battle but lose the war!

One of the basic drivers of humanity is, we are wired to give, to receive and to repay.  Therefore if we help someone deal with their fear it is likely they will invest in us at a time we need assistance.  If we take this opportunity to make their life worse, beware – “like begets like”.  If you nail someone to the wall today or make them feel bad, you can guarantee that when given the opportunity to assist you or return in kind, you may just find yourself on the receiving end.

As a sleuth of influence, you have an opportunity to invest in others, create strong relationships and allow others to flourish.  By helping others in successfully dealing with fear you will create a strong and willing ally, one that will be by your side when you are the one seeking to reduce the threat of physical or psychological harm.

The choice is yours.

Have you ever experienced fear?  How did you deal with it?  Could you have done with the gift of someone’s time or understanding?  Let me know your thoughts….