Social Engineering Blogs

Emotions over took, not only tennis star Andy Murray at the 2012 Wimbledon Tournament, but the entire crowd, as they watched Murray give a heartfelt congratulations to Federer and thanks to his [Murray’s] family and the fans who have supported  him throughout his tennis career.

His opening words, ”I’m going to try this [speak] and it’s not going to be easy…”

Notice how Murray and others around him cover their faces several times while speaking.  We often see athletes and individuals in high stress, emotional situations do what Dr. Matsumoto calls a “face cover”. What does it mean? View this previous blog post to learn more

Click here to view the embedded video.

http://lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/07/10/12601268-awkward-how-a-workplace-hug-can-By Allison Linn
James Lee was having a friendly chat with the president of the university where he works when it happened to him: The awkward co-worker hug.
Lee, 44, and the university president were at a fundraising event, and Lee realized that there were other people waiting to talk to them. Forgetting for a moment that this was a professional and not a personal context, Lee went in for the hug instead of the handshake.
He can still recall in vivid detail what happened next.
“It was a long moment for me because halfway in, I realized what was about to happen. At that point, however, my body had already hit his outstretched arm that was expecting a handshake, and I knew that I couldn’t call it off. I completed the awkward, inappropriate embrace,” he wrote in an e-mail.
Mortified, Lee found the nearest exit and made his escape.
In today’s casual office environment, where people wear shorts and flip-flops to work and are encouraged to bond with the boss at happy hour or other after-hours events, it can be hard to know whether to hug or not to hug.
“You usually don’t see in the code of conduct, ‘No hugging,’” said Pamela Eyring, president of The Protocol School of Washington, which offers business etiquette training. “So it makes the lines very blurred.”
Most office etiquette experts say that generally, an arms-off policy is best. And yet, most admit that they too have been in a situation where they’ve either given, or received, an awkward co-worker hug.
Lee, a sociology professor at San Jose State University, said the 2011 episode with his university’s president still embarrasses him. He thinks it’s partly because he’s openly gay, and he worried that the hug would be misinterpreted by others at the event.
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After the incident, Lee only saw the university president once more before he retired.
“He came over and he stuck his hand out,” Lee said. “We shook hands, we talked.”
Etiquette and protocol trainer Rachel Wagner knows how Lee feels. She, too, recalls a social event where she was talking to a colleague and, in a sudden burst of joviality, hugged the woman.
“It just happened, like, ‘Oh my gosh, I’m hugging,’” she said.
Almost immediately, Wagner realized she shouldn’t have hugged that person. But she never said anything, and the incident blew over.
The social trick of just pretending something didn’t happen often works best in such situations. If you do feel the need to address it, do so quickly and with humor, experts advise.
“A self-deprecating confession can make a world of difference,” said Jim Webber, who provides workplace training on preventing harassment and runs an advice blog called Evil Skippy at Work.
Webber says there are times when a hug at work is appropriate, such as when someone has just received terrible personal news or gotten word they have been laid off.
But even then there are ground rules.
For one, he says, you should think of the office hug like fishing: “Hug and release.”
“You should not be able to have a conversation at work while I hug you,” he said.
Also, your fingers should not move during the hug.
A hug can quickly turn inappropriate if it feels like the person is using it to gain power or bully other employees. Webber recalled one situation where a male employee was hugging female employees for just a little too long and with a smirk in his eyes. Asked about it, Webber said the man said that if the “little ladies” didn’t like it, all they had to do was tell him.
In another incident, he said, a female employee told male co-workers, “I’m just a cougar, give me a hug!” When one objected, Webber said she told him to “take it like a man.”
Even well-meaning hugs can make some people feel uncomfortable.
“Most of us don’t want that intimacy with our co-workers. We have to be with them 40 hours a week. We don’t want to hug them, too,” Webber said.
(Webber himself is not a hugger, although he’s had the equally mortifying experience of accidentally saying, “Bye-bye, sweetie” or “I love you” to a client when ending a phone conversation.)
An errant hug is generally not going to be enough to prompt a harassment complaint. Carol Miaskoff, assistant legal counsel for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, said the line would be crossed if there was a clear and pervasive pattern of unwanted physical attention.
Still, it can be complicated, especially in workplaces where there’s a culture of hugging and affection. Her advice: If you don’t like hugging, make sure you are clear about it.
“A clear dividing line is if someone says, ‘Don’t hug me,’” she said.
Part of the issue is that American workplaces tend to be more casual than in most countries, and the lines between work and personal life are often blurred by everything from office romances to friending on Facebook.
“We’re a very casual nation, but there are still work environments that are very formal,” said Eyring, of the Protocol School of Washington.
Eyring said whether or not to hug also depends on where you are.
For example, she said a colleague visiting from another location might give her a hug if they meet at the office. But if they saw each other at a class she was leading, a handshake would send a more appropriate message.
“He’s showing respect,” she said.
A public hug, especially between a male and female co-worker, also can give the wrong impression that there’s more to the acquaintance than there really is.
Patti Johnson, a career coach and founder of the consultancy PeopleResults, advises people to use hugs sparingly and only when you’re sure the person will be amenable to it.
A big clue that you shouldn’t hug the person: The outstretched arm indicating that the person is clearly expecting a handshake.
In some cases, a hug can hurt more than it helps. Johnson recalled a time when she was part of a group selecting a vendor for a company. One of the candidates, whom she knew casually, greeted her with a big, and unexpected, hug.
“It was like he was trying to make it appear to the group that we were really good buddies,” she said.
That wasn’t the main reason he didn’t get the account, but it didn’t help.
On the other hand, Johnson said that when her mother-in-law passed away recently, she appreciated her co-workers’ kindness.
“I had a lot of hugs in the workplace and that was nice,” she said. “It wasn’t inappropriate.”
Donna Farrugia, executive director of the Creative Group, a staffing agency for marketing and advertising professionals, thinks people have become more conservative with such displays in recent years, as harassment awareness has become more widespread.
Still, she it would be sad if hugging were to become altogether taboo.
“I have clients that I’ve done business with for a long time, and you can kind of feel it as you walk toward each other (that) there’s going to be a little hug happening here, and it’s a good thing,” she said.
Readers, do you have any awkward or heartwarming stories about hugging at work? Tell us about it on our Facebook page, and we’ll feature some of your stories in a follow-up piece.
{“contentId”:”12601268″,”totalVotes”:”12925″}go-awry?litePatti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional – The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at http://PattiWood.net. Also check out the body language quiz on her YouTube Channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.

For years, Kayla Harrison has had two main goals in life: to be World Champion in Judo and to be Olympic Champion. She achieved her first goal in 2010 when she became the first woman in American Judo History to win the World Championships since 1984. She was only 19 years old.

This year Kayla will attempt to achieve her second goal of becoming Olympic Champion when she competes at the London Olympic Games on August 2.

NBC has already dubbed her one of the US’s Top 5 Newcomers of the Games and she’s already been featured in  Sports Illustrated and USA Today.

Kayla took time out of her busy schedule to talk with Humintell about how she stays motivated, handles stress and maintains positivity.

Q. How old were you when you started judo and why did you choose this sport?

I started judo when I was 6 years old. My mom had done judo in college and wanted me to learn self defense.

Q. When did you realize you wanted to become an Olympian?

It probably was around when I was 13 years old and I started competing on the Senior level. When I moved to Boston when I was 16 to train with (former World Champion and two-time Olympic Bronze Medalist) Jimmy Pedro, I realized that this dream was probably a reality.

Q. What does your workout regime consists of now?

I train full time. I practice judo two times a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. Three days a week I do some running and five days a week I lift (weights). I do this six times a week.

Q. With such an exhausting schedule, how do you motivate yourself to workout when you don’t want to?

One of my favorite quotes is “First you fuel the desire then the desire will fuel you”. I think that’s really true.

I put in a lot of work when I was younger and hard work was instilled in me at a young age. I know what I have to do to win an Olympic Gold Medal and it’s something I’ve wanted for so long that now the desire fuels me. Goals have always been a huge motivator for me. Now that I’m closer than ever to achieving one of my biggest goals, that desire is even stronger. Judo is an individual sport, not a team sport so when you lose there is no one to blame except yourself. I figure, pay now or pay later. I choose to pay now.

Q. Do you get nervous, anxious, or stressed out before tournaments?

I definitely get stressed and nervous before competition. I think if I didn’t get nervous, there would be something wrong with me. I think it’s good to have some nerves. But the older I’ve gotten and the more I’ve competed at a high level, it’s easier to deal with those stressful emotions. You get better at handling them.

(Former teammate and now MMA star) Ronda (Rousey) told me about  “two week itis” and it’s totally true.  Two weeks out from a major tournament I get very emotional. I’m physically and mentally exhausted.

Q. How do you deal with that anxiety before competition?

Usually when this happens, I sit down and tell myself that this happens every time and that it’s okay. Usually I cry and it makes me feel better. Then I try to focus on the little things like packing my bag or reading a book. Focusing on the little day to day things help me not be overwhelmed by the stress.

Q. We heard you also do some visualization. Can you explain this a little more for us?

Sure. Every night before I go to bed I do about 10 minutes of visualization. I visualize myself at the Olympics: weighing in, what I’m going to eat for breakfast, taking the bus to the venue, warming up. I visualize getting my gi (judo uniform) checked, doing my breathing techniques, and every match until the finals. I visualize who I’ll likely fight in the finals and different ways I could win. I see myself on the podium with a gold medal around me neck, seeing the American flag and hearing our national anthem playing.

Q. You mentioned some breathing techniques. What specifically do you do and why do you do this?

I do my breathing techniques to calm my nerves and relax right before I step on mat. I do this because right before you compete you get a huge surge of adrenaline. I find that if I’m too amped up, I don’t perform as well. So before I go out there, I take 3-5 deep breaths, hold it, and exhale slowly. It calms and centers me and strategically I can fight much better.

Q. Do you find that letting your emotions take over you can affect your performance?

Definitely. In judo you can win or lose in a fraction of a second. I’m a methodical, strategic planner. If I go out there with my guns blazing, I tend to make mistakes and it’s hard to catch up. That’s not the way I want my matches to go. I know I want to fight in a certain way. Letting my emotions get to me affects my strategy and the way I want to fight.

Q. What techniques can you suggest to the average person to help calm their nerves or ease stress in their life? 

No matter what you do, I believe the techniques that I use such as deep breathing and visualization can definitely be used in every day life. I know that I’ve used them outside of judo. If I’m about to go onstage and do a judo demonstration or about to speak in front of the New York Athletic Club (NYAC), I know that taking a few deep breaths helps center me and think a little more clearly. I’m a huge believer in positive thinking. When you are stressed out about something, thinking positively about it is definitely going to help you. Using those techniques: taking deep breaths, positive thinking, visualization can be helpful in any area of life.

To learn more about Kayla, become a fan of her Facebook Page, follow her on Twitter and visit her website