It probably won’t surprise you to learn that I have been intently interested in people and what makes them tick since I was a small child.  My mother often comments how I was always able to get my chores done without doing them myself; generally at the expense of my younger brother.

Joining the police was as you can imagine a life changing experience but mainly because of the exploration of how and why people do things to each other.  I had the fortunate experience of working in mission critical environments that saw the best and worst of people something that added a whole other facet to my Criminology degree I was studying for at the time.

My journey then took me to the US where I was able to train with Dr Robert Cialdini (the most cited Social Scientist of all time) and you know how that turned out!

Today I provide leaders from organisations of all sizes with scientifically proven strategies to ethically persuade others in their direction.  Below is a breakdown of the 5 things I have learned about persuasion.

Lesson #1 – If You Don’t Ask You Don’t Get

I have always been fascinated by how often potential persuaders talk themselves out of a “YES!” That’s right, more often than not people don’t ever ask the question to get a “No” because they are so convinced that is what they will hear so they never try.  If you ask it is possible you might get a “No” but if you don’t you will certainly not get a “YES!” (except for dumb luck and you can’t build a career/business on that).

Think about it.  We ask people to do things because we want them to say Yes!  All the tools, frameworks and strategies under the sun will not be of any use to you if you don’t ask the question in the first place.

For my upcoming book I set my heights as high as I could regarding those I wanted to interview.  Sure I got a couple of knock backs due to timing but I heard YES! from nearly all I approached because I asked the question.

Key Point:  Ask the question.  Put it out there and see what happens – if they are not already doing what you want what have you got to lose?  But be careful what you ask for just; they might just say surprise you and say YES!

Lesson #2 – Small things really do matter

One thing I was taught in studying for my CMCT designation is that small things make a big difference.  Personally I had experienced this very thing while working at the Homicide Investigation Group.  We were to interview a convicted criminal over a murder we suspected he may have knowledge of.  Simply due to the way we treated him he confessed to multiple murders we didn’t know he had done.  Contrary to many modern day police shows this did not involve any threats; violence or tricks.

We did a small (legal and ethical) favour for him.  We allowed him a small but common courtesy and because we had done this small thing for him (although it was very meaningful for him) it was right he reciprocate and give us something in return; in this case confessions to multiple murders!

Key Point:  Don’t overlook the small things in your persuasive appeals.   It is often the small things that matter most.

Lesson #3 – 3 Critical Steps

In anything, but certainly persuasion there are three key steps.

Pre-persuasion – the preparation and planning phase.  Think about the target of influence, their motivation to say YES! and the strategy that is most likely to work.  Do your research and plan how you intend to move them in your direction.
Execution – this is where you execute the plan and set about influencing the person in your direction.   The best laid plan left unexecuted is just another useless bit of paper!  Once you have finished your plan, set about executing it!  It generally doesn’t get any better with age (unless that is the plan).
Post persuasion – possibly the most overlooked yet critical step is the review/debrief.  The review of the persuasion strategy is critical if you are to learn from the process; further strengthening future endeavours; giving you the language and the knowledge to inform others; standardise the process to learn from mistakes.

Each step is important yet rarely do many execute all three well.

I love it when people say they don’t have time to review their persuasive appeals.  My answer is simple…

“But you obviously have the time to stuff up the next one!”

Key Point:  Make time to plan.  Make time to execute.  Make time to review your efforts and learn for next time.

Lesson #4 – Surround Yourself With The Skills You Do Not Possess

All too often I see people trying to be all things to all people or trying to do everything themselves.  In delivering persuasive appeals it is critical you have the right skills to inform each of the above three critical steps.

Key Point:  If the issue is important enough for you to sweat over it, lay awake at night or just get an elevated heart rate.  Involve other people!  Focus on what you can control and consider what you need to.  For all other aspects surround yourself with a great team of people with relevant and diverse skills and listen to what they have to say.

Lesson #5 – “Them” then “You”

I learned a really long time ago if it was all about me I got very little.  If it was all about the person I was seeking to say YES! I was far more likely to succeed.

It is amazing the amount of emails, marketing copy and even tender responses I am asked to review where it is all about the person or organisation writing the words.  Regardless of whether you are pitching, selling, convincing or negotiating you need to draw the implication for the other person.  This is hard to do if you are always anchoring the content to yourself.  To explain what I mean, if you appear in the sentence before them, i.e. the use of the pronoun “I” or the name of your company, it is about you.  If the pronoun “you”, their name or the name of their company appears first, this is generally a good sign it will be about them.

You will notice in the first paragraph of this point I did not say what is in it for them or use the good old chestnut WIIFM (What’s In It For Me).  The problem I have with WIIFM and how it is taught is that people always focus on the benefits to the other person.  As we know as persuaders people are often more motivated by what they stand to lose rather than what they stand to gain.

Therefore showing your target of influence what is not in it for them if they do not act is a subtlety to WIIFM that is often overlooked.  This is still about them just not in a way we are commonly taught to focus.

Key Point: Focus on the person you are seeking to influence and draw the implication for them – loss or gain.  If the pronoun or your business name comes before theirs – change it and change it now.  It is just habit and one that is counter to your persuasive efforts.

 

This list was never meant to be exhaustive but if you asked me what points of advice I would give my kids, these would feature high on the list!

 

What are some of you greatest lessons you have learned about persuasion?

 

 

 

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