CHAPTER 19 – Relationships (last chapter in True Lies)
“Failure to recognise each other’s separate existence is the major source of conflict between partners” – Harville Hendrix
Introduction
Throughout all of my studies of human behaviour, the subject that I discovered I was least proficient in was my own relationships. Somehow I managed to kid myself about my inability to understand the wants and needs of a significant other over the years, perhaps due to my background and that I generally pride myself on my communication skills?
Each relationship ended with my believing that I was right and their perspective was wrong. I truly believed that I knew better.
The shift in the way I saw relationships came in several ways. Meeting Bridget was one. We both made a commitment to learning how to better communicate with each other (as at the time we had perfected how not to communicate effectively). The next step in my journey was taking a road trip and listening to the entire 7 Habits of Highly Effective People CD set (not for the first time) by the late Stephen Covey. And finally, the third shift in how I saw relationships came while reading Harville Hendrix’s book, Getting The Love You Want. This combination created a complete shift in how I was looking at relationships, and I could see where I had gone wrong in the past prior to meeting Bridget.
I have placed this chapter at the end of the book, because I believe that in the end, everything is about relationships. It took me a long time to realise where I was going wrong, and once I finally experienced my paradigm shift, I felt the need to share at least some of what I learnt. It is my hope that people reading this chapter will gain renewed hope (where needed) for their own relationships, as well as providing some ideas of what to do to move forwards.
Relationships are like seasons in the sense that they go through stages that include romantic love, experiencing connection, fights and ruptures, repairs and make ups, then back to romantic love once more.
How Do We Pick Partners?
Something that I found most interesting was the cycle in relationships, when – once the person breaks up – claims that their ex-partner was just like the one before. Why is it that people are generally attracted to a certain type?
“We always marry someone for the purpose of finishing our childhood.” – Harville Hendrix
According to Hendrix (2008) if you write down three positive and negative traits of your parents (or caregivers) on one page, and then do the same for your partner – you will discover several things (this is very simplified). First, your partner will likely share similar positive and negative traits to at least one of your parents. Secondly, the negative traits in each person should give you some reflection of some of your own negative traits that you do not like.
Relationship Observation #1: Most of your partner’s criticisms of you have some basis in reality (Hendrix, 2008).
There is also a strong likelihood that the complaint is something from the person’s childhood; for example the criticism from your partner that you are disorganised could stem from a parent or primary caregiver being disorganised and upsetting you as a child.
Romantic Love
Romantic love can be described as “a state in which a partner in a committed relationship assumes and lives as if his / her partner shares the same experiences and beliefs about the world.” What actually happens is during the attraction phase of a relationship, is that the brain releases dopamine and norepinephrine (two of the body’s many neurotransmitters) that help contribute to a “rosy outlook on life”, a rapid pulse, increased energy and a sense of heightened perception. During this phase (when lovers want to be together every moment of the day) the brain increases its production of endorphins and enkephalins (natural narcotics) which in turn enhances a person’s sense of security and comfort. There is also some evidence that there is an increase in the neurotransmitter serotonin (Hendrix, 2008).
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” – C.G. Jung
Unfortunately the brain in not able to continuously pump dopamine and serotonin into our bloodstreams, therefore the “romantic love” phase is not designed to last. This stage of the relationship cycle is how people attract and bond with each other in order to be able to better deal with the rougher times.
Power Struggle
Hendrix (2008) suggests that the power struggle first occurs once a couple makes a real commitment to each other. Some time afterwards one or both partners begins to believe that the other has changed in some way (common comments are sayings such as; “You’ve changed” or “If you really loved me you’d know the answer”), which disrupts the connection made in romantic love.
“When we experience conflict, we experience fear, isolation and loss of awareness of connection, but not the fact of connection. Separation is an illusion.” – Hendrix
Couples can feel disillusioned and frustrated with their partners during the power struggle, with a lot of relationships breaking up during this stage.
Relationship Observation #2: Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of your partner are disguised statements of your own unmet needs (Hendrix, 2008).
Have a think about this one, and ask yourself; “In what way are my common criticisms of my partner also true in me?” This follows the perspective that when you point a finger you have four pointing back at you – what can you learn about yourself in what you find most challenging in your partner?
“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” – Joseph F. Newton Men
Choose a Conscious Relationship
Having an unconscious relationship infers that things happen without thought. That fight happened because they did this or that. They made me angry. Being in this space encourages blame and putting the other down or making them wrong. A conscious relationship however is taking ownership of your own behaviour, your own emotions, reactions and triggers. You become accountable for your actions, you intentionally work together, and ensure that each is heard and understood (as with body language, there is also a sender and receiver with verbal communication). You understand that each person has a valid perspective; and as their perception is different, take the time to investigate their point of view remembering that the key difference between sensation and perception is interpretation. Learn how to mirror each other. Validate what is being communicated by one another to ensure the intended message (from the sender) has been received as intended without incorrect interpretation (by the receiver). Learn how to empathise with each other.
Relationship Observation #3: Not being heard or feeling misunderstood is a great cause of conflict between partners (Hendrix, 2008).
I get frustrated when what I say isn’t interpreted as I’d intended it, the wrong message is received. Every person is different, with unique experiences and perspectives. Therefore, when you come across this, ask your partner to tell you back what you just said. No Criticism. No judgment. Just ask; “Can you please paraphrase back to me what I just said, so I know you got what I meant?”
Closing Exits
Exits are what Hendrix (2008) refers to as behaviours that reduce or avoid involvement in your relationship. There are normal function exits such as work, and then there are intentional exits (also referred to as “the invisible divorce”) that involves intentionally avoiding your partner. An example would be going to work (a normal functional exit), however knowing that things are not great at home and deciding to stay later at work, go out for drinks, start a new hobby or sport etc – these are all intentional exits. Other common intentional exits include reduced alone time with your partner, for some it may be television, others computer or games, perhaps the gym, or maybe reading. When things are not going well in a relationship, it is necessary to find the areas where you may be intentionally reducing or avoiding direct involvement in your relationship.
Identify them, and then work together to decide which exits can stay and which are unnecessary. Perhaps exercising is extremely important to you, therefore keep it. Maybe, however, watching three hours of television each night and going to bed when your partner is already asleep could change?
“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.” – Henry Ford
Relationship Myth: If you fight a lot with your partner you must be with the wrong person. Myth! Conflict is an opportunity to grow, and most “healthy” conflict allows this growth within relationships. It is when the conflict becomes damaging that something needs to change.
“Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of a parent gives the child some message about self-worth. It is sad that so many parents don’t realize what messages they are sending” – Virginia Satir
Love Languages
Another book I found interesting was Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages (Chapman, 2004). Again following along the sender and receiver perspective, Chapman (2004) suggests that there are five different ways in which people express love (quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch), and the key to a healthy relationship is to understand not only how you receive love best yourself, but how your partner receives love. You buy your partner a gift when all they really want is quality time together. Learning how each of you receives love will help you to send more personalised “messages” to your partner. Find out your love language by visiting: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
Did You Know? The word “rapport” means “sympathetic relationship, have affinity with, harmony” (Concise English Dictionary).
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” – Anthony Robbins
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.Three Lessons from Arnold
I have recently given a second go at the spectacular Arnold Schwarzenegger’s biography, Total Recall – The Truly Unbelievable Story of My Life, which didn’t fail to impress and inspire me, as it already did last year when I first read it. You may or may not like the man, but it is undeniable that what Arnold has accomplished in his life thus far is nothing short of incredible. Arnold was a legendary bodybuilding champion, a record-breaking Hollywood action movie actor, and an accomplished real-estate investor who made his first million from this business. If all that wasn’t enough, he was also the “Governator” of California.I thought Arnold’s story would fit well in this blog because in order to accomplish all that he has, Arnold had to develop the capacity to influence millions of people.I’ll try to extrapolate a short, actionable lesson from each phase of his career, which enabled him to accomplish such extraordinary things and maybe each of us will become a better influencer because of it.Lesson 1: Focus on your strengthSince he was a teen, Arnold had a clear vision in his mind: Go to the USA and become famous. He had no idea how to accomplish this, not even the field of endeavor. He then started his quest, his search for his unique talent, which would bring him fame and fortune. As he realized that nature had gifted him with a body built to grow and become incredibly muscular, he put all of his heart and soul into a single project; becoming the most muscular man on earth and winning all the existing body building competitions around the world. It didn’t matter if it meant endless hours in the gym lifting huge weights, it didn’t even matter if sometimes it meant fainting or vomiting in the gym out of exhaustion. All that counted was getting to the top. And he made it! Not only that; he set new standards for his sport and made bodybuilding famous to around the world, becoming the international ambassador for the sport. He worked on the mental aspect of competition (the “Pumping Iron” documentary is a great testimonial of this), he even went to ballet classes to perfect his posing; in other words, he did whatever it took to become outstanding and make his dream come true. Thanks to bodybuilding, Arnold finally got to the USA. He was penniless, with no other skills under his belt, but ready to pursue his second lifetime goal: to make it big in Hollywood.Lesson 2: Persistence in spite of obstaclesWhen Arnold, already a celebrity in the bodybuilding circuit and on his way to financial independence thanks to real estate investments in Santa Monica, started to pursue his acting career he had all the odds against him. He spoke English with a thick Austrian accent, he had below average acting skills, no particular artistic talent and he was even told his name was too long to fit on movie posters! Thanks to his body, he managed to get a part in a B-movie called “Hercules” in New York where he first had to be dubbed due to poor English pronunciation. The movie itself was never released due to production financial issues but is now a cult movie because of Arnold’s fame. In spite of this, he did not get discouraged, he kept the vision clear, he simply ignored everybody else around him advising him to open a gym and to let go this impossible dream to become a world-famous actor. He patiently waited several years, turning down dozens of parts, even as a leading actor, in movies which would have not benefited his career in the long run. His big movie break was “Conan the Barbarian.” Arnold knew this movie would be a game-changer and, once again, he put his heart and soul in preparation for this part, taking care of every single detail. In the first scene of the movie, he was actually bitten by a real wolf and had to have a dozen stiches on his leg, but this didn’t discourage him a bit to give his best and make this movie into a cult classic, which he did. The rest is history. Conan brought Arnold into the firmament and just a few years later, with movies like “The Terminator,” “Total Recall” and “True Lies,” he was paid as much as $25 million per movie, becoming the highest paid action movie star in Hollywood…as he originally planned.Lesson 3: Expand your expertiseAfter becoming a Hollywood superstar Arnold was ready for a new challenge and decide to enter politics. Though married to a Kennedy family member, Maria Shriver, he was never afraid to express his liking for the Republican Party. He got close to the Bush family and openly supported them. When he saw the opportunity to run for governor of California, he understood he had to massively expand his knowledge and expertise in order to become credible and have a serious chance to win. Almost anyone who spent his life in body building and acting probably would have be intimidated by the massive amount of information, in many different subjects an aspirant governor must assimilate. That was not the case for Arnold. He established the “Arnold University” instead. He gathered notable experts in each of the fields he needed to learn such as economic, public health, the environment, etc. He worked long hours taking notes and learning everything he needed to learn. When it was time to debate on national television with seasoned and shrewd politicians, ready to attack his weak points with no mercy, he used humor as his best defense, having a set of punch lines written by professional comedy authors and memorized in endless preparation sessions. His motto was, “It is just reps, reps, reps,” in bodybuilding and in life. That is what made a farm boy from a small village in Austria the Governor of the richest state of America.Of course Arnold had his lows as well – like his divorce from Maria due to a secret child he had with an housekeeper 20 years ago or admitting using steroids in his competition days – but he was not afraid to expose these in either of his books. However, his life remains a shining example of what a human being is capable of, when ready to pay the price. Arnold was able to touch many lives and influence many people along the way, for which he deserves, in my opinion, the highest recognition as a master influencer! And who knows what he will accomplish more in the next 20 years…
Marco 
Last year I discovered the work of Ken Burns. If that name is familiar it might be because of the notoriety he gained in the early 1990s with his PBS documentaries The Civil War and Baseball. I watched both and was fascinated! In addition to those I’ve passed considerable hours on the treadmill watching his documentaries on The West, The Dustbowl, Prohibition, The War (WWII), and most recently Jazz. In the Jazzdocumentary the famous musician Duke Ellington was interviewed and when asked about “the music of your people,” here is how he replied: “My people. Which of my people? I’m in several groups. I’m in the group of piano players. I’m in the group of listeners. I’m the group of people who have general appreciation of music. I’m in the group of those who aspire to be dilettantes. I’m in the group of those who attempt to produce something fit for the plateau. I had such a strong influence by the music of the people. The people, that’s the better word because the people are my people.”What struck me about Duke’s response was how he identified with so many different groups of people and how that undoubtedly allowed so many people to identify with him and his music. So often when we’re asked about ourselves we limit our view to a few defined and obvious categories. Much of that is defined by what we do (I’m a fireman, I’m in sales, etc.) or our role at home (mother, father, etc.). My question to you is this: Who are you? It’s important to understand for many reasons including when it comes to persuading others. That’s so because the more broadly you see yourself, the easier it will be to invoke the principle of liking. This principle of influence tells us people prefer to say, “Yes” to those they know and like. One way you can come to like one another person and have them come to like you is by sharing what you have in common.Here are a few ways I see myself: husband, father, son, brother, friend, businessman, salesman, influencer, trainer, coach, consultant, public speaker, reader, life-long learner, runner, weightlifter, martial artist, football fan, Ohio State Buckeye and Pittsburgh Steelers fan, Miami University and Dublin High School alumnus, Scotch lover, and child of God.As noted earlier, the more broadly I see myself the better my opportunity to connect with people because what we have in common (similarities) become starting points for relationships. Here are a few examples.When Ohio State beat #1 Alabama in the national championship semi-final, a game they were not expected to win, people were buzzing in Columbus. Everywhere you went it was a point of conversation and an easy way to talk to someone you didn’t know. I had a conversation with someone at a store that I can undoubtedly refer back to next time I see him.My wife, Jane, is from Pittsburgh and isn’t shy about talking to complete strangers about the Steelers when she sees them wearing some sports logoed item. You never know where a conversation may lead in terms of friendships or connections.When I do keynote presentations or conduct training sessions I regularly include influence stories about Jane and our daughter Abigail. Some people may not care how to influence others on the job but if they can get their spouse to take on a few more chores or get their kids to do their homework they’re all ears. Quite often people will talk to me afterwards about those personal stories, not business, because they see how persuasion can help on a personal level.I could give many more examples but you get the point. As human beings we’re all diverse and yet in our diversity we overlap with others in many more ways than we might have thought before. Duke Ellington clearly understood that and it’s a big reason his music was so well received by so many despite the racism he experienced during his lifetime. I encourage you to spend time thinking about who you are and the roles you have in life. That simple act could be enough for you to see more clearly what you have in common with someone else and might allow you to start forming a relationship through liking. And the good new is; if you need them to do something for you in the future, the more you’ve connected and bonded, the more they’ll like you and in turn will be more likely to say “Yes” to whatever you ask of them.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence OfficerinfluencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.